really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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