im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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