At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
