I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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