Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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