Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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