i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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