When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
No stitches, just platelets and will power
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
