hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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