maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
