I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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