I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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