between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
