if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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