xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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