we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
