I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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