Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
