she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
