you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
