OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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