Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
