I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
did you just send me my own nude
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
