I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
