fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
