If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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