Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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