So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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