do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
