I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
