he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Princesses don't give blow jobs
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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