my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
