I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
