margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
