So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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