Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
