Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
P.S. I can't hear my feet
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
