$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Your dad touched me again.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Just high enough for therapy.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
