Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
