Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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