i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
