I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
