I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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