Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
