1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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