dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
