Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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