Whats the glycemic index on semen?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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