Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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