I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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