Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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